


willing for it to work

by Hellonightmares



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Character Death, F/M, M/M, Mentions of Mental Illness, Mentions of Suicide, Multi, not of anyone important though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 18:55:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9839291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hellonightmares/pseuds/Hellonightmares
Summary: Zay falls for Farkle and Smackle, hard. Maya is great friend and Lucas can be too. Zay is confused but happy.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Suicide is mentioned several times but only fleshed out once and mental illness is mentioned twice but only fleshed out once, if any of that triggers you or makes you uncomfortable please don't read.
> 
> Update: I've edited this so the dialogue is properly broken up and there are a few more paragraph breaks but nothing has been changed

Zay feels for Lucas, he really does but the love triangle situation is all Lucas talks about anymore and Zay is getting bored. He feels for his friend but Zay just wants to talk about baseball or even get asked how he is for a change instead of everything being about Lucas so, that's why when Mr Mathews puts Zay and Farkle together for an assignment he doesn't go and ask to be paired with Lucas like he usually does, Zay guesses in some twisted way Lucas or maybe even Mr Mathews is to thank for what happens next.

Now, Zay doesn’t like the whole label deal so he doesn’t define himself as anything really but maybe you could say he was bisexual or pansexual or something, anyways, let us just say he's wholly attracted to people and people galore. Another thing about Zay is that he falls fast but doesn't have a problem changing his mind if they turn out to be a jerk, but that factors into him not really telling anyone when he does get a crush or anything -he just doesn't want to be disappointed when it doesn't work out (and he hasn't told anyone that his dancing and love of prominently feminine movies and music isn't the only thing 'different' about him).

Even though he had been at the school for about a year now and a solid part of their friendship group for a while, Zay hadn't really bonded with anyone other than Lucas; well he hangs out with Maya occasionally, sometimes they walk around the city or go get donuts or something but he hasn't really tried to reach out to anyone else, not for any good reason really -probably his self-insecurity coming into play again. It's not that he doesn't want to be friends with the rest of them, he just doesn't know how. Zay is charming, sure, he just isn't that good once you get past the superficial stuff. Lucas and Zay have been friends ever since Zay was two and Lucas was three and their mothers were both in the same book club, and then when their mothers walked out when the club started to read Fifty Shades of Grey (and not ironically -it was Texas after all) and their mothers started a second book club by themselves, it was sort of inevitable that Lucas and Zay became best friends.

Not that Zay doesn't love Lucas because he does, it's just that Lucas is and always has been a people person, Zay loves talking to people and stuff but sometimes it goes bad and Zay isn’t good at not letting stuff get to him which is where Lucas can come in handy. The only other close friend Zay has ever had other than Lucas was a boy who was in their school for a year in grade six before moving away, details won't be said but there was a spark between him and Zay, they would play on the playground and ride horses and swim in the damn but when Zay went to make a move the boy punched Zay in the face, because after all they were 12 in a conservative country town. All Zay told Lucas was that he got punched for doing something he thought was okay but didn't turn out to be and didn't tell Lucas who but Lucas asked around and found and beat the boy up -the boy went to the school nurse and home early whilst Lucas went to the principal’s office and was suspended. Zay and consequently Lucas had had trouble before but this was different and even Lucas could feel it even though he didn't know the whole story (he knew that Zay had made a friend and was punched by so friend), but this incident made the two closer but also more secretive -at least on Zay's part.

Zay went to Farkle's house after school one day to start working on their assignment, Zay had never been to Farkle's house but Lucas had told him all about it and honestly it was pretty cool but Zay was mostly focusing on not being weird around Farkle because it's the first time they've been alone together -maybe ever and Zay has the biggest crush on Farkle, luckily Farkle doesn’t seem to have any idea that he’s was feeling awkward and if he does he wouldn't know the reason why which is a big relief to Zay and makes him relax more as the afternoon goes on. They work on their project for about half an hour until they’re both bored out of their minds, so they agree to have short break to play a video game and then get back to work but they end up having such a grand time that they don’t even notice how much time had gone past and when they both die in the game it’s dark out. The project’s only small but because Farkle must pick up his brother up from a friend's house they agree to finish the project tomorrow afternoon but in the library this time so they don’t get distracted.

The next day goes by in the blink of an eye and soon Zay and Farkle are heading to the local library to finish their project. Almost as soon as they sit down Farkle announces that he’s going to the toilet and Zay quickly lets Farkle know that he has no trouble leaving the project to him if he doesn't shut up about his bathroom business. As soon as Farkle comes back he’s all down to business and starts working on the project but makes sure that Zay has equal say in what is going into the project which is a welcome surprise from Lucas who always takes charge of the work and only like half the time knows what he is doing. 

After about an hour and a half of working and talking and laughing they finish and Zay is quite proud of the work which feels nice but he’s feeling a little down because he and Farkle won't have an excuse to hang out anymore but it seems that Farkle must have been thinking a similar thing because he asks Zay if he'd like to come over to his house on Saturday, which is only two days away and Zay feels instantly excited and nervous. Zay’s just thinking of how awesome Farkle is and how excited for Saturday he is already when Farkle says that it's cool if he doesn't want to or whatever which makes Zay realise that he didn't actually say yes and so he does maybe a little too loudly and with a bit too much excitement in his voice but Farkle looks really pleased when he says it, and then they have a moment that couldn't have been more than a couple of seconds but it felt like longer where they just look at each other smiling like idiots before Farkle's phone rang and they both look at it and the caller ID shows a picture of Smackle and they both quickly pack up and say their goodbyes and leave the library taking different doors.

The day after, Zay and Farkle hand in their project and Zay is pretty bummed out because he really enjoyed spending time with Farkle and he knows that they are going to hang out on Saturday but that suddenly feels like a long way away. Zay was pleasantly surprised to find Farkle texting him during last period asking if he wants go see a movie this afternoon, he knows that Farkle isn't asking him on a date but fuck does it seem like it, he can't anyway because he has a ballet lesson which he tells Farkle and when he thought Farkle couldn't surprise him (in the best way) any more, he asks, albeit hesitantly if it would okay if he just watches. Zay doesn't quite know what to say because of course he would like Farkle to come watch it's just that he hasn't let anyone outside the dance class see him dance since his mum passed away but he thinks that maybe he’s ready for someone to be there for him so he tells Farkle that he can take the bus with him and they can hang out for a bit and Farkle can then watch him practice.

They have a wonderful afternoon, truly delightful. They start by catching Zay's usual bus together and sit near the middle. Maddie, who Zay usually sits with is thrilled to meet Farkle because she has heard all about him and Zay's other friends from school, Maddie the only person Zay has told about liking boys and girls and only because Maddie told him that she was a lesbian first, she wasn't at all angry that Zay hasn't told Farkle about her and introduced and started talking to him straight away. When Zay and Farkle get off the bus, Maddie and Farkle have exchanged numbers and have plans to meet at the observatory because they both have a love for space and then they chill at Zay's house for about 30 minutes and because no one was home they listened to music (folk because Zay loves it and it's growing on Farkle) loudly and eat some crackers and hummus and just chill.

After that they head to ballet and because of Zay's insecurity he tells Farkle for the hundredth time that he doesn't have to watch but Farkle keeps insisting that he wants to so once they get to the studio Farkle follows Zay to the practice room and Zay talks to the dance instructor about Farkle staying for the lesson and once everything is sorted Zay leaves to go change. At first Zay can’t get into the warm ups because he keeps glancing over to Farkle but eventually he forgets about him and just goes with the music and it feels as good as ever. Once the class is warming down Zay sneaks a peak at Farkle and he is looking at Zay in wonder and that makes Zay feel giddy and tells himself to snap the fuck out of it.

Farkle is still looking at Zay and not saying anything when they leave the studio until Zay starts asking if he has something on his face and then starts to ask if Farkle just didn't like the dancing and that's when Farkle stop staring so he can reassure that he loved the dancing and then they start chatting about Zay’s friends and his love of dancing until they have made their way to the destination which was a small cafe off main street that Zay swears has the best hot chocolate known to humankind. After they order and sit down Farkle carefully steers the conversation back to where they were because Zay was in the middle of saying something, Zay notices this and tries to thank Farkle with his eyes and continues where he left off which was him talking about his mother and when Farkle asks if she is living with him and his father in New York Zay tells Farkle something he hasn't told any of his New York friends his New York friends -his mum died when he was ten years old by committing suicide. 

They sit in a silence for a bit after that but it’s not an uncomfortable one Farkle’s just taking in what Zay has said and Zay feels like a little bit of weight has been lifted off his shoulders now that he has told someone (Lucas knows because he was in the next room when Zay found the body and when Zay screamed Lucas came rushing in and saw his Zay's mum hanging from the ceiling fan). Farkle asks Zay if he wants to talk about it and Zay declines but adds on that maybe he would another time. Farkle isn't sure if he should say sorry or not but then the hot chocolates arrive and god almighty do they look good and they both start eating the cream on top and the chocolate flake thing and drink the actual drink, they finish in maybe a record time and they both have milk moustaches and smiles on their faces.

By the time Zay and Farkle are back at Zay's house it's five and Farkle needs to get going but he finds himself not wanting to leave but knowing he has to so says his goodbyes to Zay and they have promises of hanging out tomorrow because well fuck, today was the best time both of them have had in a long time. After Farkle leaves Zay heads to the kitchen to make some dinner because it doesn't seem like his dad is going to be home any time soon and then heads to his room with a smile on his face and a single thought running through is head which was 'I'm fucked'.

The next Morning Zay gets ready with Farkle in mind and eats breakfast with Farkle in mind and catches the subway to Lucas' place with Farkle in mind and only stops thinking about him when he knocks at Lucas' door because today isn't about Farkle, it's about Zay. Miranda (Lucas's mum, she insists that Zay calls him Miranda) opens the door with a smile on her face and her smile just gets bigger when she sees who it is, Zay walks in and can't help but notice that this place doesn't feel nearly as much like home like Lucas's house in Texas but to be fair neither does Zay's house in New York compared to back in Texas (back home). Miranda is still fussing over him and talking about how she hasn't seen him around much lately and asking if he and Lucas are okay but not leaving room for Zay to reply or even think about what he would say when Zay politely interrupts and asks if Lucas is in his room. Five minutes later Zay is getting Lucas's bike out of his room and still convincing Miranda that he is fine to bike there and yes, he is sure that he doesn't want more carrot sticks and yes, he will come again soon and then he's off to a small park about 20 minutes away on foot but only like five minutes on a bike from Lucas's house that is the only place Lucas feels like he can take a break from everything.

When Zay gets there, he sees Lucas straight away, sitting in a tree, that's what Lucas used to do when he was younger if he was sad or confused or just bored. Zay walks loudly so that Lucas knows that Zay’s here and when Lucas doesn’t say anything Zay climbs up the tree and sits on a branch around the same height next to Lucas’ branch, they both sit in silence for a while before Zay greets him like it isn't weird that they are two 15-year-old boys silently sitting in a tree.  


"Hey dude do you remember in fourth grade when I became friends with this kid-" Zay says hesitantly  


"-Oscar Perez of course I remember him he was awful, why are we talking about him?" Lucas replies obviously feeling a bit pissed that Zay interrupted his thinking time for this  


"No, look I mean do you know why he punched me?"  


"Nah but that doesn't matter especially now"  


"I know but I want to tell you, okay?"  


"Okay."

As soon as Zay tells Lucas he feels another bit of weight lift off his shoulders. Zay can tell Lucas doesn't want to be pressuring but also wants to ask Zay questions but fuck is he glad that Lucas doesn't hate him, Zay has been dreading telling Lucas for years and well, if he knew how well it would go down he would have told him the truth about Oscar when it was happening. They awkwardly nod to each other and proceed to talk about how Zay has a big crush on Farkle and doesn't know what to do, the fact that Lucas is might be falling in love with two girls and he doesn't know what to do either, laugh about how they have such messy love lives for teenagers and then just talk about sports and video games. They talk and just chill in the tree for a while and then afterwards Lucas invites Zay over for lunch so Lucas gets on the bike and Zay sits on the handle bars and directs Lucas while hanging on for dear life just like they used to do when they were kids.

When they get back to Lucas's house they go through the back door to see Miranda grilling on the barbecue and The Beatles blasting out of a speaker with her singing along to ever lyric, Lucas and Zay start singing along straight away and she turns around and smiles, it reminds them all of the times in Texas when they did this and instead of making Zay bitter he actually feels happy that this kind of stuff can still happen when they've all changed and grown so much. The three of them dance around a little and talk about nothing while Miranda finishes grilling the sausages and then they sit down on a picnic rug in the petite but cute yard and dig in. At around two, Zay gets going because he's meeting Farkle in half an hour but not before a hug from Lucas and a promise to be there for him more and an even bigger hug from Miranda and a promise to tell his dad hello from her.

While Zay is riding on the subway he looks at his phone for the first time today and sees that he has two missed calls and a four text messages from Farkle, suddenly worried he opens the texts up and sees that Farkle had forgotten that he was supposed to hang out with Smackle today but he doesn't want to cancel so he wants to know if she could hang out with them and it seems when Zay didn't reply Farkle went in a little bit of an anxiety spiral so Zay quickly texts back that he had his phone off and of course it's okay that Smackle joins them. Honestly though, Zay isn't sure how he feels about Smackle joining them, not that there's anything wrong with Smackle it's just that he doesn't really know her but that's also how he was with Farkle when they first started hanging out which was only like a week ago, so who knows.

When Zay gets to the park he texts Farkle to let him know that he’s at the playground with the blue slide and then hops on the swing because Zay isn't embarrassed of how much he loves swinging, it's the freest he can feel if he's not dancing. Just a few minutes later Zay hears a cough which prompts him to jump off the swing into a forward roll and when he hears Farkle and Smackle laughing and clapping he gives a little bow then turns around to face them... And fuck do they look good, now he doesn't mean to be superficial but they really do look like a power couple and the fact that knows they are in this incredible and healthy relationship probably adds to the scene, when Zay is done staring at them they all greet each other and start to walk, not anywhere in particular but since it's such a nice day they thought it could be nice to just have a walk.

It's a bit awkward with Zay trying to make jokes because he doesn't know what to say and Smackle isn't that good at understanding that he's joking so he tries to joke less and Smackle feels bad for that being her fault and Farkle trying a bit too hard, so all three of them clash a little but Farkle mentions about how excited Smackle is to see Ghostbusters and Zay tunes in that it looks awesome and Zay and Smackle start talking excitedly about all the upcoming female empowering movies while Farkle goes to the toilet and when he comes back they've moved on to how much they both love the Die Hard movies. 

Zay, Smackle and Farkle sit down under a tree and Smackle reveals the goldfish crackers she brought and when Zay and her find out that Farkle has never eaten one before the gasp in horror and force him to eat about half the packet while they watch. They laugh and joke around for a while and get hot dogs from a street vendor and eat them and wonder how the hell they taste so good and laugh about how much tomato sauce Farkle asked for on his hot dog but then Zay's phone buzzes he remembers that his father's coming home today and they were supposed to have dinner together tonight, he doesn't know how he forgot because usually it's all he thinks about and for a second he thinks about texting his dad saying he was busy with friends but he never sees his dad and fuck does Zay miss him, so he bids farewell and runs to the nearest subway station.

When Zay arrives home he rushes upstairs spouting apologies from his mouth but before Zay can keep talking his dad says that it's alright and that he is the one that wants to apologise because he hasn't been home nearly as much as he should have been and that he is going to try to be here for Zay more. Zay sits down at the table and sees that his dad got pizza from Zay's favourite pizza place which makes him happy but mostly he’s just glad that his dad is going to be here more often. From then on, they have one of the nicest nights they've had in a while, a long while, they have dinner and talk about what Zay has been up to and talk about the latest album that his dad has been producing (one from a folk artist that he thinks Zay would quite like) and then they sit down and watch The School of Rock which has been a family classic since forever. Zay considers telling his father about himself like he did with Lucas earlier (wow it's been a long day) but Zay doesn't want to wreck this nice night and anyways he doesn't know what he would even say.

When as the movie is finishes up Zay decides he wants to say something even if it isn't to do with him so Zay asks his father if he misses his mother.  


Looking away from the credits and to Zay with a surprised face his father says "Of course I do, I miss her every day"  


"Then why don't you ever talk about her" Zay asks  


"It's just hard to talk about and I never know if you want to talk about her"  


"Well I do" Zay says with defiance  


"Okay then, what do you want to know?" his Father asks with a hint of smile and a whole lot of longing on his face  


"Anything"  


"Okay, on our wedding day two hours before we were supposed to get married, her sister, Ayana told me that that your mother, Dakota was missing and no one in the bride’s party could find her and if he had any idea where she could have gone. I was so shocked and for a solid minute I just stood there but I knew your mother and I knew she wouldn't have left without a clue to where she was going so I went to her prep room which had five worried and frantic women in it and I looked under all the chairs and couches and in the teapots until I found a little note in a shoe that just had a picture of a weighing scale on it and I knew where she had gone"  


"How?"  


"Your mother's brain worked in an interesting way, she drew those scales to mean fish scales to mean she was at the beach, she was an odd one, my odd one. Anyway, just as I thought she was at the beach and swimming in the water and she looked content so I sat down to watch her because she was dancing and boy I loved to watch her dance but one time she went under she didn't come back up. And you gotta remember that this was at the side behind some rocks so there weren't any lifeguards and it was a cloudy and dreary day so there was no one else here so I ran into the water in my suit and shoes, and thank fuck I was there because I swam out and lifted her out of the water and helped her get to the shore."  


"So, she tried to- on your wedding day?"  


"Yes, son she tried to kill herself on our wedding day. I'm sorry if this is too much to hear I can stop now if you would like"  


"No dad, please continue"  


"Alright. So, when she had had a rest and a drink of water I couldn't wait any longer and asked if she was really going to kill herself on our wedding day and do you know what she said?"  


"No"  


"She said... She said that she loves me so much that she doesn't know what to do with herself. And well, that broke my heart because I loved her too, with all of my soul but I knew I wouldn't kill myself because of it and she knew it too and so we both sat there for maybe an hour until some little kids and their mother came running down to the water with them screaming in delight and the mother telling them to slow down and be careful. Right there and then she told me that she wanted that and I knew she didn't just mean the kids, she meant that she wanted to have the whole package and even though I was scared I told her that we can make it to the ceremony if we go know and so we went"  
"You married her even though she tried to kill herself on your wedding day?"  


"You see son, I know it's hard to understand but I loved her more than anything and I knew it was her saying and doing those things but I also knew that her mental illnesses were part of it all and I just couldn't let her go. And I don't regret it, I don't regret marrying your mother, I don't regret spending our life together, I don't regret having you and I know she didn't."  


"Do you think you could have done anything to stop her committing suicide?"  


"No. No one could, she was sick and it wasn't her fault but it wasn't anyone else's either. I spent a long time blaming myself but I need to start accepting that it happened and that she isn't coming back and I'm sorry that I haven't been here for you -it's just that you remind me of her so much but I love you and I loved her but you are here and she isn't and I'm going to be here for you more. I know she would be upset with me that I haven't really been here for you and I have missed you so much and I know I need to be a better father and I know that stuff like this doesn't happen overnight but I am going to be here now. I have told my boss that I'm going to be working from home and only travelling when I must and son we can talk about your mother whenever you like and we should, it's healthy to talk about things. I want you to know that I'm always here for you."  


"Thanks dad"  


"I know that was long but I love you and I want you to be happy" says Zay's dad while leaning in for a hug and wiping tears from his face  


"I love you too, dad" Zay replies as they hug.

The next day Zay and his dad hang out. They go to the cinema and see the latest James Bond movie and when they are getting their tickets and popcorn Zay greets the person at the counter by name and his father doesn't think much of it because she is wearing a name tag and Zay has always been a polite kid but when she greets Zay back by name his dad sort of just stands there and has to be prompted to pay and move out of the way; they go to sit down because they are a little early and Zay starts talking to his dad about why this movie is supposed to be the best Bond film yet but he can't focus because he's thinking about how his son is on a first name basis with the staff or at least that one staff and it takes a while but he asks Zay if he knows the cashier from school and it breaks his heart when Zay replies that he just goes here a lot so he knows some of the staff. It takes Zay a little realises that his dad seems upset by that fact and says that sometimes Lucas comes with him or Maya and he just likes the cinema. They sit awkwardly for about three more minutes and then the movie starts and when they come back out they’re talking and laughing about how that so wasn't the best Bond film, and all is good and fine in the world.

On Sunday Zay realises that he hasn't done any homework and he has a big art project due tomorrow so he sits at his desk with a drawing pencil and a blank page with no idea what he should draw, the project is to draw your happiest memories and it's not like Zay doesn't have happy memories because he does, it's just that he has no idea which one to choose and absolutely no idea how to even start to draw whatever he picks. Zay being the master procrastinator he is looks through old Facebook photos because they might help him think of something to draw and just when he is starting to look at other stuff on Facebook his phone rings and he doesn’t even check who was calling before he picked up. He starts to regret picking up the phone because it's Maya and she's asking if he wants to go get donuts and he wants to so bad but he should do his homework and when he tells Maya this like the great friend she is she offers to help but makes him promise not to tell Riley that she’s helping him with homework

When Zay gets to their favourite donut place Maya is drawing in her notepad but closes it up before he sees what and he knows better than to ask so he just greets her and sits down. After they order their donuts (warm cinnamon because they're not morons) and chat about how they've been (good for both, Zay isn't sure how truthful Maya's being but he's telling the truth) while Zay gets his pencil and notepad set up and Maya gets her project to show Zay for inspiration. Zay isn't at all surprised to find that she drew herself and Riley but in return Maya is surprised that he can't think of what to draw.  


"Don't you have any happy memories, Zay" Maya asks sounding confused and worried  


"No of course I do but it's hard to pick just one" he replies quickly so that Maya doesn't think he has no happy memories  


Maya lets out a quick laugh before saying "I guess being indecisive is a Texas thing"  


That cracks Zay up and they both just sat there in the empty donut store laughing until they can’t breathe and when they finally stop Maya tells him that she has an idea.

At school on Monday for once in his life Zay feels anxious and not because he hasn't studied, he stays worried until lunchtime and when Maya tells him to snap out of it because it's not even that good which loosens him up a bit and he doesn't even realise how fast the next period goes until it's last period art. When he steps into the room with his notepad he notices that no one seems that nervous which makes sense because it doesn't count for too much of their grade and they probably all did it on something expected which gives Zay a thrill of joy knowing that he's the odd one out but soon comes to his senses and becomes aware that he's just been standing in doorway and makes his way over to his seat next to Maya.

By about halfway through the lesson their teacher, Mrs Evans pauses the art history documentary they’ve been watching and Zay sees Maya visually deflate partly because she was enjoying it but mostly because Mrs Evans is about to show some of the artworks to the class and she usually shows Maya’s because Maya always does awesome work. Mrs Evans spends about five minutes telling everyone that she hasn’t graded their work but everyone did a fantastic job and that she doesn’t have any favourites because they are all awesome pieces of art but she wants to show us some that really stood out for her.

She shows us Marley’s artwork first up which is a collage of two puppies playing in the snow, the use of different mediums in the collage is really smart -or at least that’s what Maya whispers to him. Next, she shows us a painting of two boys crouching down trying to catch frogs, Maya is wowed which doesn’t happen often but he gets why because the painting is incredible, Zay doesn’t know how it can be so emotional and beautiful. It turns out that it was done by the new girl, Dahlia, who wasn’t one of the people catching the frogs but she was taking a photo of the boys and the painting is inspired by the photograph. Next, she shows us Maya’s artwork which Zay didn’t appreciate how detailed it is before, Maya and Riley are on the fire escape at Riley’s house with their feet hanging off the ledge and they are holding ice-creams and you can tell they are smiling even though the picture is from behind them. Maya did it in chalk to really enunciate the feeling of childhood and nostalgia, that’s what she tells the class and sometimes Zay forgets how smart she is but in this moment seeing her explaining her artwork in front of the class he can tell that she is in her element.

With only five minutes until the bell and everyone is packing up their things and getting told off for it Mrs Evans produces Zay’s drawing from the pile of artworks in her desk with a smile.  


“Now artists, this one is interesting and I think I understand what it is but I’d really like if Zay would explain what it is and why to us all” Mrs Evans says with a proud look in her eye which is so not something he is used to getting from teachers  


“Well I was thinking for ages about what my happiest memories were and I almost picked the day I won a swimming race but I thought it would be too cocky” Zay jokes which actually got a laugh out of the students who were paying attention, he continues “I drew -with some assistance from Maya, moments that hasn’t happened yet but I don’t doubt that they will because I haven’t really lived long so I didn’t want to limit myself”  


“That and he’s just really indecisive” adds Maya  


He had drawn lots of mini scenes that made up the picture including: watching Lucas from the bleachers play for the big leagues, being back in Texas with his dad and extended family, having a picnic with Farkle and Smackle, at an art show for Maya with the whole gang, sitting with the Matthews family eating a big dinner.

Zay heads to the cinema to see Moana and when he is ordering his popcorn he sees Farkle and Smackle purchasing tickets and as he is trying to decide if he should say hello they make that decision for him, they’re seeing Moana too and Zay loves how excited Smackle is for it and consequently Farkle is excited because Smackle is and because it looks bad ass, Farkle suggests they sit together but Zay doesn’t want to interrupt their date however Smackle insists which makes him feel warm and fuzzy because he wasn’t sure how much Smackle actually liked him. They come out of the cinema singing How Far I’ll go, talking about their favourite parts and Farkle and Smackle telling Zay about this play that Farkle is going to audition for. Smackle realises that she left her bag inside so they go back in to find Cho and Michael fighting and it’s obvious that Smackle really doesn’t like it so Zay snakes around them to get her bag and they get out of there as quickly as possible. Walking around the city just taking is the most comfortable and at home that Zay has felt in so long and he wants to feel like this forever.

They head into a shopping centre because Zay remembers that it’s Lucas’s birthday next week and none of them have got him anything yet. They fall across and DVD shop which Farkle find the funniest thing and he has such a contagious laugh that soon all three of them are standing at the entrance to the shop laughing their socks off, a couple of people stare but they don’t care and when they stop laughing they enter the shop because Farkle thought it would be rude not too. It’s like place hasn’t changed from the early 00’s, in the featured section is Love Actually and Troy which are such an absurd combo that Zay wants to burst out laughing -again. They decide that it would be too mean to get Lucas the box set of Dawson’s Creek do highly consider it, in the end Farkle gets him a David Bowie concert DVD and Smackle, a pair of ‘smooth sound’ earbuds.

Farkle spots an apple store and they spend about 20 minutes changing all the home screens and backgrounds to them making funny faces until they get kicked out. Zay tells Farkle and Smackle about his art project and they beg him to show them so they find a nice tree in a close by park to sit under and they look at it and tell him why they like it and that means everything to Zay, afterwards they just sit there in a comfortable silence until Zay asks Smackle to show him how to make those daisy chains she has been creating so perfectly for the last five minutes. The three of them sit there making daisy chains and this mood or bliss is formed and it feels like you could say or do anything which honest to god scares Zay a little, Smackle must feel it too because she asks if she can show them something that she’s never shown anyone before. She gets a leather journal out of her bag and starts reading quietly but gets louder as she goes, she reads a poem to Zay and Farkle and all their attention is on this wonderful girl sharing a beautiful poem with them.

She threads words through the world and Zay was mesmerised, when she finishes, he wasn’t quite sure what to say so he just looks at her in awe and started clicking his fingers like they did at 90’s slam poem gigs and Farkle joins which made Smackle smile so radiantly that the sun would be jealous. He didn’t know how much time passed with Smackle reading poems with Zay and Farkle sitting there listening to her, the only sign that time had passed was the fact it was getting darker and therefore harder for Smackle to read her poems. A couple sits down on picnic rug not far from then which makes Smackle self-conscious so she stops and they all say they better get going at the same time but it’s obvious that none of them really want to go, Smackle lives nearby so they walk with her to her house and Farkle gives her a kiss and Zay doesn’t know why that that surprises him because they are a couple after all, he hugs Smackle and then Farkle and him head to the subway station.

“You know today, Smackle reminded me of what you’re like when you’re dancing” Farkle says  


For a second Zay forgets that Farkle had come to a practice once and says “What?”  


“Well, when I saw you dancing you looked like you were at peace with the world and you moved like the earth was helping you and that’s kind of how it seemed when Smackle was reading her beautiful poems” Farkle says softly  


Zay is speechless because, well fuck, that’s exactly how he feels and gets the biggest urge to kiss Farkle so he decides to go with speechless. Before Farkle gets on his subway Zay says “you get like that too” Farkle looks confused when Zay says that so he continues “when you figure out a tricky maths problem or are reading your history textbook especially on ancient Egypt you’re just like that”  


The roles seem to switch with Zay sort of stumbling over his words and Farkle looking at him, speechless, they stare into each other’s eyes with Farkle on the edge of the subway standing almost in-between the open doors and Zay standing way past the yellow line feeling what they feel and honestly Zay doesn’t know what would’ve happened if the doors hadn’t closed.

It’s almost half past seven when Zay gets home although it feels like later, he had forgotten that his dad was home and got a shock when his dad bombarded him at the door asking why he hasn’t answered his phone. The first thing Zay feels is annoyance because who is he to get mad, he hasn’t been here for the last couple years why does he get to start now but the second thing he feels is happiness because his dad is here and he cares and shit he has missed having a parent get him in trouble so he apologises and asks his dad if he wants to watch some TV or something. After some stern words from Zay’s dad about answering his phone they look for something on television and settle on a MASH rerun. Later that night when Zay had done his homework he goes to bed but has real trouble getting to sleep, he’s been trying to keep what happened this afternoon (just the end part he doesn’t want to forget the rest) out of his mind but now with no distractions he can’t help but feel guilty even though he didn’t do anything and he’s had thoughts about wanting to kiss and hold hands and etc. with Farkle before, this time it felt like he might have actually done it. And then the even more frightening thought that he wants to do those things with Smackle as well because how could anyone not?

Last period, Monday, Zay's English class is set to assemble shelves from IKEA because their teacher is so lazy but no one’s complaining cause it's so much better than schoolwork. Everyone is just joking around and talking because Mr Fields doesn't care what they're doing if they are putting together the shelves and no one cares who is who, they’re all just happy to get an easy period. Due to the fact that they are building this shelf starts up the conversation of the most fun people have had at IKEA and as it turns out people have had some wild times, two girls had a double date there (it was the boys’ idea): they ate meatballs and jelly cups in the diner, had races around the whole shop, acted out scenes form movies in the faux rooms and they both got kicked out -one of the girls and her date because they were acting out a scene from a Disney movie that got a lot of attention from kids and their parents who were tipping them; the other pair because they were making out in a bed and set off an alarm they didn't know was there. Farkle doesn't have this class but Smackle does and they make eye contact and know what each other are thinking and pretty much run out of class to tell Farkle that they need to go to IKEA, pronto.

Farkle seems excited to go but they can’t find an afternoon where all three of them are free so they decide to go on the weekend. Nevertheless, Zay has really nice week: Zay and Smackle watch Farkle audition for a community play and cheer so loudly that they get weird stares from onlookers (that seems to be a specialty of theirs), he hangs out with the others at Topanga’s doing homework and telling them some of what they’ve been up to, Zay and Farkle spend their shared free period at the school library competing to see who can find the dirtiest scene in books (they ask Missy who was in the library at the time to judge and she gives it to Zay who has Twilight), spends a whole afternoon being showed the best puddle jumping spots by Riley and Maya, and spends a bunch of time with his dad.

On Saturday Zay, Smackle and Farkle take the bus to IKEA and try to not get their hopes up because Smackle thinks they’re expecting too much but Zay has a hard time since he always feels excited when hanging out with them. As it turns out IKEA is in the middle of a giant factory outlet so they are required to walk through half the outlet to find the place and of course, they get lost. In the end Zay just asks an employee at a smoothie shop where they stop and have delicious but overly expensive smoothies, turns out they are on the completely wrong floor and Zay thanks her but as he turns to leave, the employee (Lila) tells him to wait and asks for his number, Zay isn’t sure what to do with this situation and takes a moment to look at Lila (dyed purple hair, pretty, large loop earrings that must be a food hazard) and thinks, why not? So, he gives it to her because he hasn’t been on a date or even asked out for a while and she seems nice enough. When Smackle questions, what took so long he doesn’t tell her or Farkle about Lila even though he thinks that maybe he should.

When they find IKEA it’s later than they thought it would be so Zay suggests that they go to the diner first, it’s surprisingly empty but Zay doesn’t know why he expected it to be crowded. They get the meatballs even though Farkle wants to get a soup, Zay and Smackle insist that he’s required to get at least one meatball and if he still wants the soup he can have it but that doesn’t turn out to be a problem because they all love the meatballs and get a second serving. Zay suggests that they just stay in this part which is met with grins and joking consideration. Afterwards they have a walk around until they find this bedroom set with the biggest wardrobe that Zay had ever seen; the three of them just stand looking at for a solid thirty seconds and then they have the same idea, they start looking for the kids section and maybe because they’re so determined they find it almost straight away, they don’t find anything they’re looking for because it is a furniture store after all but they remember seeing a dollar store earlier, they debate about just staying and doing it without the costumes but Zay wins and they leave IKEA in search of…

It’s nowhere near Halloween but luckily costumes are what dollar stores are made for (and children’s parties supplies) so they find a witch’s hat and a crappy bow and arrow in no time but they have trouble finding any kind of lion accessory so Zay’s about to settle for an orange feather boa when he sees a tiger’s mask and well that’s close enough. It comes to seven dollars because what dollar shop is a ‘dollar’ shop anymore but they all agree that it’s worth it and they keep the stuff in the bag and run back to IKEA including most importantly -the wardrobe. When they get back there is a kid and adult looking at the wardrobe and the kid is begging for it because ‘it is just like Narnia, mum, please!’ and the mum is looking at it like it’s a magical thing but not like she is going to buy it and tells her daughter that they come back and look in it once they’ve found the lamps they came for. Two minutes later the three of them are in the closet in their outfits quietly giggling and telling each other to shut up and listen when then they hear the kid and her mum and Smackle counts down and on go, like they had previously discussed they burst out of the wardrobe spieling that they sure aren't in Narnia anymore. They get kicked out but it was worth it, the girl had on the biggest smile that it was almost off her face and the mum looked even more pumped than Zay had expected and there was a couple that were nearby and saw and they tried to couch for the three of them when security told them to leave.  


It takes the couple and the child and her mother about five minutes of convincing to let them stay but in the end the manager came and told them firmly that they have to leave, Zay thought it that is was definitely worth it and when they are walking out and laughing about how fun that was and how big that little girls’ smile was the mother stops them and give Farkle her business card and tells us that she hires stand-up comedians to play at a local coffee shop and thinks we would be perfect and that we should give her a ring, before going back inside. On the bus home, they talk about whether they should call the women and if she meant all of them because they thought stand-up comedy was a one man -or one person show. Zay isn’t sure if he wants to and Smackle really doesn’t want to but Farkle likes the idea because he thinks it will give him acting experience and exposure but they all agree to think about it. They all ride the subway till Smackle’s stop and get off with her because they don’t want to leave each other yet and when Smackle tentatively invites them inside they agree cautiously because they know she’s shy about her home life but they don’t know why

When they step into the house Zay immediately smells lavender (his mum wore lavender perfume every single day) and he almost walks out but he can tell how nervous Smackle is so he sucks it up and pushes on, Zay and Farkle follow Smackle through a living room and a hallway which are furnished nicely with nothing to hint to what Smackle has been hesitant in showing everyone but as soon as they walk into the kitchen Zay understands, Smackle’s mum who they have seen pick her up a couple of times is kissing another woman who Smackle calls mum just as Zay and Farkle are processing what they’re seeing. When the women greet Smackle and start asking her how her day has been and telling her not to dare to say normal they are obviously surprised to see two teenage boys in their kitchen but once they see Smackle’s worried face they quickly turn full host mode and start offering drinks and introducing themselves (Grace and Nina) and telling them to sit down. Once Smackle realises that Zay and Farkle aren’t freaking out she joins them all in the living room, Zay and Farkle are dramatically retelling the story of today and Grace and Nina are loving it and once they got to the part about the lady giving them the card they’re both so encouraging that Zay legitimately considers it. 

Zay and Farkle are invited to stay for dinner but only Zay accepts because Farkle’s parents are coming home tonight and Zay and Smackle both get that but Zay can tell Smackle is a little disappointed that Farkle can’t stay and Zay selfishly wonders if Smackle would be disappointed if he couldn’t stay. He calls his dad to let him know that he’s having dinner at Smackle’s and will be home later and then goes to the living room while Grace and Nina stay in the kitchen. Zay can tell Smackle’s nerves are back and he quickly goes to sits down and starts to reassure her that he really doesn’t care that she has two mum, and the relief on Smackle’s face is instant and fuck does she look beautiful.  


“Sorry I’ve been so hesitant to show you and everyone else my home, I just didn’t know how anyone was going to react” Smackle says  


Realising that Smackle was now going down a new tunnel of worry Zay says “I really don’t care about that anyways I think I’m pan or bisexual so it would be pretty hypocritical don’t you think” seeing that Smackle was only a little shaken by this confession he continues “I thought you must have had a dragon for a parent or lived in a castle or something”  


“Were all your theories Mythical and/or Middle Ages themed” Smackle teasingly questions  


“Look I never claimed that they were solid theories but for real your mums seem really cool” Zay says making eye contact with Smackle so she knows that he’s being serious  


Smackle leans in for a hug and Zay returns it but it lasts longer than a usual hug would, Zay knows he should let go but Smackle isn’t either and well it just feels so good, they hug for who knows how long until they pull away and they’re just looking into each other’s eyes (now they’re just looking at each other not saying nothing -sounds familiar doesn’t it) and well you know what comes next; they are kissing and kissing and fuck Zay thinks ‘this is it I can die happy’ but then Grace enters the living room to tell them about dinner and when they break away Zay almost runs out of the house with excuses about needing to be home.

Once Zay gets home he starts pacing in his room and can’t stop cause fuck he messed up and just as he is spiralling in panic his phone rings and it’s Maya and fuck is he glad that she’s calling until he picks it up and she is crying on the other end, he tells her he’s coming over straight away because he’s never heard her this upset plus he feels really trapped in his house. As Zay is walking out of the house he remembers that there are choc chip cookies in the cupboard and takes them and as soon as he walks out the door he runs right into his dad looking stern as hell but as soon as he explains that his friend needs him and that he promises to clean his room when he gets back he leaves because Zay thinks his dad could tell that he wasn’t going to be able stop him. As soon as Zay goes in through Maya’s window he sees her sitting on her rug in the middle of the floor looking lost which is strange sight to see because Maya usually looks so sure of herself.  


“Maya, are you alright?” Zay asks and then realises how stupid that is because obviously, she’s not okay but he doesn’t know what else to say  


“No, yeah sorry I shouldn’t have called you, it’s just that I, look it’s nothing I’m not even upset or at least I shouldn’t be” Maya says through her scratchy just been crying throat  


Zay approaches her slowly and carefully until he’s sitting next to her on the rug and then says “Can I ask what happened”  


Maya softly says “My dad died”  


“Oh Maya, I’m sorry”  


“But it’s not like he was a good person and he definitely wasn’t a good father so I don’t know why I’m upset”  


“My mum died when I was ten and I didn’t know what to feel either”  


“That sucks I’m so sorry but why didn’t you know what to feel, was she a shitty mum?”  


“Nah she was amazing, I mean she could be vague and distant and lock herself in her room for days and she definitely got worse towards the end but I know she tried so I know it’s not the same as your dad”  


“Can I -can I ask how she died”  


“Yeah uh, she killed herself”  


Maya’s face when Zay told her that showed pure shock and anger and sadness which is exactly how Zay felt when he found her and still feels to this day. They sit there in silence for a while until Maya asks if Zay wants some spaghetti because she was teaching herself how to make it when her mum called with the news.

Zay is rather impressed with the spaghetti and Maya confides that she’s been teaching herself how to cook and she has gotten a job at a bookstore but hasn’t told anyone so that when she graduates she can find a mediocre college away from here and get the hell out. Zay gets it, he really does but he doesn’t know if he could leave his dad, but for the first time he considers what it will be like when everyone leaves after graduation and the thought frightens him more than he thought it would. Zay glances at the clock and sees that it’s almost midnight but he doesn’t want to leave Maya alone and just as he’s considering calling his dad about staying over, Maya’s mother comes in through the front door and runs to Maya with apologies about how she couldn’t get off work, Maya calms her down and then she realises that Zay is here and thanks him for being here for her daughter. She insists that he call her Katy and that he stay the night because it’s too late for him to be going home so he calls his dad and once he speaks to Katy, Zay is good to stay for the night. Zay sleeps on a blow-up mattress on the floor of Maya’s bed, he tries to stay awake until Maya goes to sleep in case she needs something but he’s tired so he goes to sleep not in not much time at all. 

When Zay wakes up Maya is still sleeping so he quietly goes into the kitchen to find Katy sitting and drinking tea and he doesn’t want to disturb her because she looks so peaceful but as soon and she sees him she offers him cereal so he sits down and lets her make him some cereal.  


Zay had forgotten about Smackle and Farkle last night but it’s all he can think about now and he knows he needs to do something but he doesn’t know what and because there’s no way he’s talking to his dad about this so he asks Katy “Have you ever romantically liked two people at the same time?”  


She smiles a knowing smile even though there’s no way she has any idea what he’s talking about and replies “Yes of course I think everyone has had multiple crushes at the same time, I think your friend Lucas knows something about that”  


Zay thinks about this and wonders why he’s never even compared his situation to Lucas’, maybe because Lucas wants to date both but he doesn’t want to date both at the same time which leads Zay to figures out that that is exactly what he wants which freaks him out because that’s not a normal thing or at least a thing that he knows about, he carefully says “Thanks” because even though he would like more advice on the matter, Zay thinks he might have to do some more thinking.

Zay finishes his cereal and bids goodbye to Katy asking her if she could tell Maya goodbye for him when she wakes up and he’s off to the library. Just as Zay enters he walks right into Farkle, the one time he really doesn’t want to see him but Farkle looks glad to see him which must mean that he has no idea that Zay kissed his girlfriend yesterday and Zay doesn’t know how he feels about Smackle not telling Farkle.

Once Zay can bring himself to properly look at Farkle he can tell that he’s nervous and wants to tell him something so Zay prompts him and Farkle looks incredibly grateful and asks Zay if he can tell him something and Zay nods. After a long silence Farkle whispers something but Zay doesn’t hear him so he asks him to repeat it and Farkle says it just a little louder and Zay still can’t hear him and he’s starting to get frustrated with Farkle and he can tell so the next time Farkle says it he almost shouts it and a few people turn to look at him, he’s bisexual. When Zay doesn’t say anything Farkle starts rambling about how it’s more common than you think and that one of Smackle’s mums is and that’s who helped him figure it out and that he might have known for a while and that Zay doesn’t have to be okay with it but he’d really like him to be until Zay shuts him up and by saying that he is too, or maybe pansexual but he’s still figuring stuff out and then he and Farkle just stand there until Farkle tells Zay that he’s going to meet Smackle for lunch and asks Zay to come and he almost says no but he wants to see Smackle so he and Farkle walk a couple of blocks in a comfortable silence until they reach a burger place.

When Zay and Farkle walk in they see Smackle before she sees them and she looks nervous and straight away Zay knows that she was going to tell Farkle which makes Zay feel a little guilty for not telling him earlier. Farkle sits down next to Smackle and Zay pulls a chair up feeling more and more like he shouldn’t have come and when Smackle finally looks up and sees the two of them sitting there she almost freaks out but the waiter comes with her lemonade and a promise to come back soon to take their orders. Farkle greets her and explains that he ran into Farkle at the library because they were both looking up stuff for their history projects and he invited Zay to join them.  


The three of them sit in an awkward silence until Zay can’t take it anymore and says “Smackle and I kissed and I feel really shit about it but probably not as much as I should”  


Smackle looks surprised but also a little pleased and after a few beats she takes a deep breath and says to Farkle “I like you a lot, I think I could even more than like you but I also like Zay just as much and in the same way” so fast that Zay almost missed it  


Zay and Smackle try not to look surprised when Farkle sighs in relief and says “Thank god”  


It takes them all longer than it probably should’ve to realise that all of them like each other and that they’ve all been pining and stressing about this situation in equal matters which makes them all laugh. Zay knows that they will have to talk about this and figure it out but whatever happens they are going to do it together and that makes Zay so happy that he might cry and when he looks at Smackle and Farkle he can tell that they are feeling the same which is such a beautiful thing.


End file.
